The Key to a Happy Marriage (Or, why I think even married couples should still be getting laid.)

CN, lots of sex talk.
Probably don't want your boss to read over your shoulder.

Okay, people, some real talk here. If you are in a long term relationship or marriage, sex shouldn't just be stopping the second the honeymoon is over.
I HATE seeing the stereotype portrayed that in a hetero marriage, the woman clams up and refuses to "give" the guy sex anymore because she "doesn't have to. She already has what she wants." And in turn, he refers to his wife in all manner of rude names and descriptions to the world. "The ol' ball n' chain," "the witch at home," etc.
1.) Women are just as capable of having sex drives equal to or even surpassing their partner. And men aren't all beer guzzling sex machines. It's almost like everyone is capable of being different. *gasp*
2.) If sex was originally part of your relationship and it suddenly stops, *something is wrong.* And the best way to figure out why, is to talk to your partner.
3.) Sex drives can fluctuate over time. The important thing is to *clearly communicate* how you are feeling to your partner and decide where to go from there.
4.) Mental illness also can affect sex drives, as can medication. Again, you need to CLEARLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ON HOW YOU FEEL!
5.) Maybe your partner's sex drive is being effected and they don't seem to notice. TALK TO THEM! Maybe there is a medical condition that they need checked out. Or maybe they're stressed about something. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!
HOWEVER, when you talk to them, DO NOT DO SO IN AN ACCUSATORY MANNER!!!
Try and find solutions that work for your particular dynamic.
6.) Neither partner should be withholding sex as a means of punishment or to try and change a behavior. This is stupid.
7.) Neither partner is owed sex, either. If you or your partner aren't in the mood, let the issue go. CONSENT IS SEXY, BABY!
8.) Don't be embarrassed to talk about your sexual desires and fantasies with your partner. It's far past time that our stupidly Puritanical society gets over the enforced shame of sex. Get it on, people. If you can't work up the courage to talk face to face, try something like Mojo Upgrade. You may discover some delightfully fun new things to try.
Also, I'd like to add that masturbation is a COMPLETELY NORMAL AND HEALTHY PART OF LIFE. It's not cheating. It doesn't mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you. Sometimes, one just has a particular itch that needs some lotion, lube, tissue, and/or buzzy goodness.
9.) Apply the communication advice to ALL AREAS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! A lot of problems in a relationship can be solved if you and your partner just sit down and talk.
10.) A long term relationship isn't some magical fairytale where everything is always perfect. There are going to be terrible, horribly bad times. You will fight and argue. You'll make mistakes. But you have to work as a team to get through it.
Acknowledge each other's strengths and weaknesses and figure out how to balance each other out.

Now, go have fun, you kids! Lock the doors, rip each other's clothes off, and do things that will probably cause you to be sore in the morning, but keeps a big grin plastered on your face for the next week.

Musings on Men (Or me trying to work through the weirdness in my head)

Today is Father's Day.

I'm sitting here, debating on wether or not I should text my dad.

We barely speak. Indeed, it only seems that we do when holidays or other social gatherings happen to put us in the same room. It's always awkward. We don't know how to handle each other.

He doesn't really believe everything his wife did to us. And he's told me before that he would choose her over us.

And I haven't entirely forgiven him, even though I know that he's just as much of a victim of her, too.

How do you have a relationship, each thinking that the other was in the wrong?

I cut him out of my life at age 13. The relief of not having to deal with the abuse anymore was marred by the fact that I also inadvertently lost my grandparents as well. My dad's wife had poisoned them against me.

I had to live with the guilt that my middle sister was now going to his house without me. She had no defense against them anymore. That still haunts me to this day. What if I would have kept going? Would she be in a better mental state today? But what would have happened to me? Would I have survived it?

I tried to mend things by inviting him to my high school graduation. *Only* him. He brought his wife. I spotted her when my grandparents were walking towards me. My grandma (mom's side) tried to hold me in place and keep me calm. I tore away from her and bolted. I couldn't face my dad's wife.

My dad's parents thought I was running from them. My grandfather swore he was done and left. My grandmother asked my grandma if she thought that things would ever work out. Grandma told her to just give me time.

My dad's sister, my wonderful aunt who had defended me so often before, hunted me down and told me I was an ungrateful bitch.

I don't have any pictures with my friends from after graduation at the school because I was locked in the bathroom, crying.

I battled with myself for years after that, trying to decide if I wanted to try and mend things with my grandparents. I missed them. I missed going to Great Trails and having Christmas with them. They missed my college years. They had missed my entire courtship with John. They missed our engagement, our wedding. Us buying a house.

I finally decided to try at my sister's graduation party. I sat and talked with them for at least an hour. It worked out well for all of us, though they made it clear that I should try and talk to my dad again. And I did.

And now, here we are, in this awkward state of affairs.

Do I text my dad or not?

He seems fine and even fun to talk to when his wife isn't around. But when she is, the tension is there again.

Even now, years later, when I see her, the panic floods me. I feel like I'm drowning with no hope of survival. I'm a small child again with no one to protect me.

I can usually deal with it if John's with me. I can hide my face in his shoulder and drown out the rest of the world.

I have done my part to try and maintain a relationship with him now. I've shown him our home. He gave me their old stove when ours was on the fritz. I've seen their house. Every time we talk, I try to be polite and exuberant. Show that I'm happy.

But through all that, her presence has invaded and tainted anything good that might happen.

When I went to see their new house, the first thing she said to me was, "Should have saved some cleaning for you." I told her I would have just turned around and left. I have my own home to care for.

She and I are always silently competing, it seems. She likes to play at being the rich socialite. The more something costs, the better. I'm a thrift store and garage sale sort of girl.

She wants a new, bigger house every year. We're comfortable staying put in our fixer-upper.

She likes to admonish me when I have a different opinion than her.

She thinks she still has control over me. I pretend she doesn't.

Do I text him or not?

I had other people in my life to fulfill the "dad" role. My step-dad loved us as much as he does my half-sister. (It feels weird to call her that). Even though he and my mom are separated, he still cares for us. In fact, he lives with us. We're still family.

Papa Jim has been wonderful, too. We love to visit with him and Grandma Tina. We've even started camping at Great Trails again with them. It's one of my favorite times of the year now. I now have another set of wonderful grandparents that I know love me. We can acknowledge the lost years with a certain sadness, but still smile about the future we have now.

And I don't think there are enough wonderful words to describe my Grandpa Pat. Handy man, best friend, bails-us-out when things are bad, mechanic, favorite lunch date, debate partner, my greatest defender, everything. Him and my Grandma Pat have done and still do so much for us. I could never repay them. For all intents and purposes, those two wonderful people are my second parents. The love they have shown to me, my sisters, John, and even to my friends over the years is incredible. If I can show half as much love and caring to the world as they have, I'd consider myself to be a very lucky person.

I have known love and laughter from many wonderful father-figures in my life. So why should I be worried about what dad thinks?

Do I text him or not?

For all the great leaps forward in my relationship with my dad's parents, I still am so terrified to lose them again. I'm convinced I'll slip up somewhere and they'll start hating me.

I'll get busy with life and not visit for a while and when we do go back and see them, I think that they're mad at me.

John tells me I'm just being silly. Everything was fine.

But I don't see it like that. I think I'm bothering them, so I don't go see them again for a while. And the cycle starts over.

I know trying to maintain a relationship with dad would help, but I don't know if dad really cares if I talk to him or not.

I try to think positively. Maybe if I text him, things can improve. I'm showing that I'm willing to put in effort for this relationship. But then I remember that he didn't even text either me or my sister on our birthdays.

 Do I text him or not?

"Hey! Happy father's day! :)"

I send it.

"Thank you"

Nothing will change. We'll still be awkward at gatherings. But at least I'm trying.

And you thought the wedding anniversary post was bad...

Today marks 9 years since I decided to date the jerk I'm now married to. And he was so pushy about it! No "wanna go out with me?" or "would you like to be my girlfriend?" Psssh. He was just all like, "We're dating now." He's lucky that I was so besotted with him that I just went along with it.

I guess 9 years is a decently long time to be together. We've definitely moved past any sense of awkwardness between us. Those first couple years of always trying to look our best for one another and hiding the fact that our bodies ever produced anything besides the most pleasant of smells have given way to holding back one another's hair while tossing our cookies and braving the almost tangible stench the other has corrupted the bathroom with because they can't reach the new roll of toilet paper they desperately need.

Dress pants and nice shirts have given way to lounge pants and old lady nightgowns. Date nights happen at home now rather than out on the town. And the time of trying to hide every flaw has settled into a cozy comfort of each other as a whole, not perfect person.

We've both changed a lot. We've know each other for over a decade. It was bound to happen, right? We've weathered many an emotional upheaval and have survived a complete 180 on world views with our relationship intact. We've gone through loss and new life. And through it all, we've had each other. We've been one another's constant companion, closest friend, and lover for 9 years now.

We've become almost completely different people than when we first came together. And that's okay. We're lucky in that we've changed together. We know what the other person has been and seen what they've become. Throughout all the changes, we've still managed to find ourselves in love with the other.

And some things haven't changed. We still try to make the other laugh at every possible opportunity. We still have long discussions on any topic that strikes our fancy. I'm still the creative half, and he my logical counterpart.

We've managed to build a strong relationship built on trust, love, and laughter.

I may not know what life is going to throw our way over the next 9 years, but I know that as long as we have each other, we'll get through it just fine.

Happy anniversary, John.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

In light of the Chapel Hill shootings, I feel like this needs to be said. There is NO ROOM in the atheist and secular humanist communities for violent, hateful people. We are not against people, we stand against dogma. We stand against violence committed by ANYONE, regardless of beliefs or lack thereof. 

Open and honest discussion should be our way. And our goals are not the forceful, violent eradication of religious persons, but rather a society that concerns itself more with the world around them rather than mythological figures and a possible afterlife. And that, my friends, is accomplished not with violence, but through learning.

Please consider making a donation to Foundation Beyond Belief's drive for SAMS (Syrian American Medical Society). 

From the page: "On February 10, three Muslim college students were tragically killed in Chapel Hill, North Carolina by a man who identifies as an atheist. Atheists and humanists around the world are condemning the horrific act that took the lives of Deah Shaddy Barakat (23), his wife Yusor Mohammad (21), and her sister Razan Mohammad Abu-Salha (19).

Deah Barakat was pursuing his doctorate in dentistry at UNC Chapel Hill and planned to travel to Syrian refugee camps this summer to perform emergency dentistry for refugee children through the Syrian American Medical Society Foundation (SAMS). At the time of his death, he was raising funds for SAMS to equip the teams in the refugee camps.

The atheist and humanist community is mounting a drive for SAMS in support of Deah's vision. All donated funds will go directly to the Syrian American Medical Society Foundation to honor the lives and celebrate the memory of Deah, Yusor, and Razan. Please give generously."

Ahh, memories.

I was looking through some stuff today and stumbled across a letter that John's aunt sent to us back in January of 2010. We had been looking at options for apartments because neither one of us could afford to stay in the dorms anymore. At this point, we had been engaged for almost a year and a couple for almost 4. We were practically living together already, as we spent every night together in one or the other's dorms. When we got this letter, John and I had already signed the lease and would be moving into the apartment in 3 days. We had no way of backing out of the lease, seeing as we were practically broke.

"Dear John,

   It's hard to believe you're getting ready to graduate from college soon. I remember when you would come to our house and play with J's play computer. You loved it. Now you are in that field as a career.

   As a concerned aunt, I felt led to write you concerning your decision to cohabitate [sic] with Ashton [sic] prior to your marriage. The temporary convenience and economic benefits of this do not outway [sic] the long term rewards of waiting until after marriage. God's plan is perfect and He wants the two of you first to be equally yoked spiritually meaning a relationship with Jesus for the both of you. Both of you need to invite Him into your hearts and continue to live for him daily. He wants the two of you to learn and grow in many other areas of your life right now. Communication, communication, communication is a major element in your relationship. It's a time for individual maturity to be developed. Both of you need to prepare yourselves for the life long commitment. By being more adult in ordinary daily things, your marrigge [sic] will be stronger. At this point in time your priority is to learn and prepare for your future.

   Life and marriage can be difficult at times. And sometimes life isn't fair as you are aware. Living life is a learning process and a long one too. By keeping God as your anchor, you will not be led astray. His ways and plans are perfect for you. He loves you that much to keep you safe and secure in His arms. All your decisions in light of His guidance and protection will be right. He cares about you that much. Choose Him and you can't go wrong.

   As a parent too, my heart goes out to your mother and father. They are very concerned too about this decision. They do not feel it is a wise one. They have raised you to live a God honoring life. And this does not agree with His commands and statuetes [sic]. The scriptures say especially in Proverbs Chapters 1 thru 10 about seeking wisdom. Wisdom promises a long, happy life.

This is what we pray for you and Ashton [sic]. That you two will seek God first and His rightiousness [sic] and all these things shall be added to you. Matt 6:33* And all these things include finances etc. God's faithful to His Word. Seek God first before you make your decisions.

   In conclusion, I want you to know that this is written with love and concern for you. U.(ncle) R and I care about you. And we want what is best for you.

God Bless You.

We love you,

Aunt C"

* “But seek first God’s Kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well.

You want to know something? My family had no problems with us moving in together. They thought it was a great idea. Actually, my grandfather was the one who suggested it first and offered to pay our rent. They made sure we had food on our table and if we were a little short, my grandma would slip us some money. They wanted to take care of us and make sure we were alright.

No one on John's side of the family offered us any advice or help other than "just pray about it!" I wasn't asking them to donate thousands of dollars to pay our dorm fees, but any sort of financial advice would have been appreciated. And if they were really so worried about us, why did not one of them ask what they could do to help? They were so concerned about us potentially sinning (which we had been doing for quite a while, let's be honest here.) that they couldn't see that we needed real world solutions to our problems.

No magical sky daddy was going to suddenly filler our coffers with riches. Or offer us both full ride scholarships. We had to make things work ourselves. And it was tough! There were times that I didn't know how we were going to make it from month to month. But we did, not by praying, but by having loving, supportive people around us. People who offered a real, tangible hand when we were struggling the most.

In the end, we moved in together. His parents came around, but certain parts of the family want nothing to do with me still to this day. And I think the most telling part of this is that John and I's relationship did not suffer from us moving in together. Rather, it grew stronger and made us much more aware of how we needed to function as a couple. We've not made a mythical being the focus of our marriage. Our focus is on each other and on the people we love. And that, my friends, is just fine with us.

An Open Letter to my Husband (Or, how I try to out cheese my hubs)

Dear Schnooky.
No. Wait. Too much.
Let's go with this:
Dear John,
(Much better!)
     Nearly 10 years ago, on a warm summer morning, we met at band camp. You were the ex-boyfriend of my now-ex-best friend's sister. If I am to be honest, you looked like an underfed creature with no sense of style whatsoever.
     My ex-friend introduced us. I'd like to say that it was love at first site. It wasn't. At least, I don't think it was? I don't remember. I remember being infatuated with you. I remember asking you out and then being terrified that you'd hate me forever. I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship. I was waaaayyyyy too immature.
     We eventually became best friends. I'd call you all the time. I remember stealing your wallet so I could find your number. You never had a peaceful evening again after that. I'm sure I annoyed your parents with how frequently I called.

     I remember all the fun times we had in band together. My friend and I would poke pencils and drumsticks through your curls. You'd come over to my house to hang out. We'd watch stupid flash videos on Albino Black Sheep. (Kamikaze Watermelon!) I think you just came over because we had faster internet than you.
     I remember you having a crush on someone else. I remember trying to get you to talk to her. Nothing ever came of it. Spoiler alert.
     You graduated. You were heading off to college. I was terrified that we wouldn't be friends anymore. That you would just go away and forget me. You assured me that I was being silly. You would be there for me no matter what.
     When fall rolled around, you started your freshman year at Akron. I was a sophomore in high school. We talked almost every night. For hours. You would tell me about your classes. I would tell you about the stupid petty high school drama. We both told each other how much we missed hanging out. This is when I started falling hard for you. You, still, were oblivious.
     I would come up and visit. We'd spend the day, wandering around campus. We'd ALWAYS get Taco Bell. I'm pretty sure your roommate suspected something.

      You came over for New Year's, along with some friends. We sat on the loveseat together. You were leaning against me. My arm gradually settled around you. In that inevitable post-game analysis, my friend told me she was certain you were going to kiss me.
     Later in January, I was supposed to go to homecoming with a friend. Petty drama prevented me from doing so. You happened to be home that weekend. So, you came with me, my friend, and my parents to Olive Garden. We all dressed up in our best. You looked so handsome. I remember offering you a bite from my plate. You ate it right off the same fork that I had been using.
     It became increasingly clear that you felt something. I don't think you were sure what, though. Some other evening in early February, you came over again. One of my friends was also there. We carried out my mattress so we could lay on it together and watch "Phantom of the Opera." We insisted it was just so we could be comfy. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, you laid your hand over mine. For half an hour. Then you had to leave. We didn't finish the movie.
     I don't think I can adequately describe the feelings that shot through me. Disbelief. Shock. Happiness. Fear. Confusion. After that night, something changed, but I didn't want to say a word. I didn't want to lose what we had. So I stayed silent.
     February 12th, 2006. It was a Sunday. It was the band concert. You came home just to see it. Your ex-girlfriend and my ex-friend told you that you were oblivious. You said you didn't understand.
     We went back to my house and attempted to watch "Phantom of the Opera" again. You laid your hand on mine again. Then our fingers intertwined. I remember Alex came bounding in and jumped on the bed. You didn't let go of me. We merely moved our hands out of the way.
      We took you back to Akron that night. We cuddled in the back seat the whole way. We left you off at your dorm. I hugged you goodbye.
     When I got home, I immediately got online. We would chat on AIM or Yahoo Messenger all the time. You were on. We started the conversation casually. As if everything hadn't changed between us. It wasn't long before I insisted we figure out exactly what we had between us. You, chicken that you were, refused to say anything first. So, I did.
      "A: Ok.
       A: I like you."
      My heart stopped beating. Time slowed down. Everything mattered on your reply.
      "J: And I like you, too."
     YES!!!!
      "J: But that's where I get confused."
     SON OF A-!
     Nothing got resolved that night. Your parents were against it. You didn't want to potentially lose me as a friend. You didn't think that a Christian should date someone who wasn't baptized. All we knew was that we liked each other.
     The following Saturday, I came up to Akron to see you. We spent the entire time, sitting side by side, arms wrapped around each other.
     The following day, the 19th, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know what we were to each other. So, I asked you. You didn't ask. You didn't debate. You simply stated, "I think we're dating."

      And, so we went. Through every hurdle, every heartache, every smile, every memory. We were together.
     When I graduated high school, I followed you to Akron.
     February 17th, 2009. You proposed. I was recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Thanks for that.
     We married three years ago, today. It was far from my perfect dream wedding. But I had you and it was more than enough.

     Last February, we bought a house. We made it our home.
     Now, we live here, surrounded with our fur kids. We're raising Alex. We have an overabundance of joy and happiness. We have friends. We have family. And most importantly, we have each other.
     I can honestly say that after knowing you for 10 years, loving you for 8, and being your wife for 3, you are still the most amazing, wonderful, caring person I have ever had the fortune of meeting. I still get the tingle in my whole being every time you kiss me. The smile that lights upon my face when you get home is genuine pleasure at seeing you. Every moment with you has been special.
     I love the laughter that we share. No matter how bad our day might be, we never stop trying to make each other smile. Or facepalm. And that is so special to me.

     I'm so glad that the universe drew us together. On that warm June morning.
     I love you, John. And that will never change.

Love,

Ash

 

An Open Letter to Verizon

Verizon,

I am disappointed in the new commercial your company is airing. It insinuates that nerdy people have trouble finding relationships. This is simply not true. Nerdy people, along with anyone else, can form meaningful relationships, if they so choose.
Also, what if a person doesn’t want a relationship? People choose not to tether themselves to another individual all the time.

Your commercial is also misogynistic. Saying that a woman would not appreciate, and in fact, may get angry over the fact that you are presenting her a gift that you got a deal on is just disgusting. You are portraying women as vapid, shallow creatures who judge their partners by how much money is spent on them.

I’m hugely disappointed in you, Verizon. I hope you will discontinue airing this commercial in favor of promoting a more all-encompassing view.

Sincerely,
A Non-vapid and -shallow Nerdy Woman in a Meaningful Relationship with a Fellow Nerd