The Key to a Happy Marriage (Or, why I think even married couples should still be getting laid.)

CN, lots of sex talk.
Probably don't want your boss to read over your shoulder.

Okay, people, some real talk here. If you are in a long term relationship or marriage, sex shouldn't just be stopping the second the honeymoon is over.
I HATE seeing the stereotype portrayed that in a hetero marriage, the woman clams up and refuses to "give" the guy sex anymore because she "doesn't have to. She already has what she wants." And in turn, he refers to his wife in all manner of rude names and descriptions to the world. "The ol' ball n' chain," "the witch at home," etc.
1.) Women are just as capable of having sex drives equal to or even surpassing their partner. And men aren't all beer guzzling sex machines. It's almost like everyone is capable of being different. *gasp*
2.) If sex was originally part of your relationship and it suddenly stops, *something is wrong.* And the best way to figure out why, is to talk to your partner.
3.) Sex drives can fluctuate over time. The important thing is to *clearly communicate* how you are feeling to your partner and decide where to go from there.
4.) Mental illness also can affect sex drives, as can medication. Again, you need to CLEARLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ON HOW YOU FEEL!
5.) Maybe your partner's sex drive is being effected and they don't seem to notice. TALK TO THEM! Maybe there is a medical condition that they need checked out. Or maybe they're stressed about something. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!
HOWEVER, when you talk to them, DO NOT DO SO IN AN ACCUSATORY MANNER!!!
Try and find solutions that work for your particular dynamic.
6.) Neither partner should be withholding sex as a means of punishment or to try and change a behavior. This is stupid.
7.) Neither partner is owed sex, either. If you or your partner aren't in the mood, let the issue go. CONSENT IS SEXY, BABY!
8.) Don't be embarrassed to talk about your sexual desires and fantasies with your partner. It's far past time that our stupidly Puritanical society gets over the enforced shame of sex. Get it on, people. If you can't work up the courage to talk face to face, try something like Mojo Upgrade. You may discover some delightfully fun new things to try.
Also, I'd like to add that masturbation is a COMPLETELY NORMAL AND HEALTHY PART OF LIFE. It's not cheating. It doesn't mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you. Sometimes, one just has a particular itch that needs some lotion, lube, tissue, and/or buzzy goodness.
9.) Apply the communication advice to ALL AREAS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! A lot of problems in a relationship can be solved if you and your partner just sit down and talk.
10.) A long term relationship isn't some magical fairytale where everything is always perfect. There are going to be terrible, horribly bad times. You will fight and argue. You'll make mistakes. But you have to work as a team to get through it.
Acknowledge each other's strengths and weaknesses and figure out how to balance each other out.

Now, go have fun, you kids! Lock the doors, rip each other's clothes off, and do things that will probably cause you to be sore in the morning, but keeps a big grin plastered on your face for the next week.

Ahh, memories.

I was looking through some stuff today and stumbled across a letter that John's aunt sent to us back in January of 2010. We had been looking at options for apartments because neither one of us could afford to stay in the dorms anymore. At this point, we had been engaged for almost a year and a couple for almost 4. We were practically living together already, as we spent every night together in one or the other's dorms. When we got this letter, John and I had already signed the lease and would be moving into the apartment in 3 days. We had no way of backing out of the lease, seeing as we were practically broke.

"Dear John,

   It's hard to believe you're getting ready to graduate from college soon. I remember when you would come to our house and play with J's play computer. You loved it. Now you are in that field as a career.

   As a concerned aunt, I felt led to write you concerning your decision to cohabitate [sic] with Ashton [sic] prior to your marriage. The temporary convenience and economic benefits of this do not outway [sic] the long term rewards of waiting until after marriage. God's plan is perfect and He wants the two of you first to be equally yoked spiritually meaning a relationship with Jesus for the both of you. Both of you need to invite Him into your hearts and continue to live for him daily. He wants the two of you to learn and grow in many other areas of your life right now. Communication, communication, communication is a major element in your relationship. It's a time for individual maturity to be developed. Both of you need to prepare yourselves for the life long commitment. By being more adult in ordinary daily things, your marrigge [sic] will be stronger. At this point in time your priority is to learn and prepare for your future.

   Life and marriage can be difficult at times. And sometimes life isn't fair as you are aware. Living life is a learning process and a long one too. By keeping God as your anchor, you will not be led astray. His ways and plans are perfect for you. He loves you that much to keep you safe and secure in His arms. All your decisions in light of His guidance and protection will be right. He cares about you that much. Choose Him and you can't go wrong.

   As a parent too, my heart goes out to your mother and father. They are very concerned too about this decision. They do not feel it is a wise one. They have raised you to live a God honoring life. And this does not agree with His commands and statuetes [sic]. The scriptures say especially in Proverbs Chapters 1 thru 10 about seeking wisdom. Wisdom promises a long, happy life.

This is what we pray for you and Ashton [sic]. That you two will seek God first and His rightiousness [sic] and all these things shall be added to you. Matt 6:33* And all these things include finances etc. God's faithful to His Word. Seek God first before you make your decisions.

   In conclusion, I want you to know that this is written with love and concern for you. U.(ncle) R and I care about you. And we want what is best for you.

God Bless You.

We love you,

Aunt C"

* “But seek first God’s Kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well.

You want to know something? My family had no problems with us moving in together. They thought it was a great idea. Actually, my grandfather was the one who suggested it first and offered to pay our rent. They made sure we had food on our table and if we were a little short, my grandma would slip us some money. They wanted to take care of us and make sure we were alright.

No one on John's side of the family offered us any advice or help other than "just pray about it!" I wasn't asking them to donate thousands of dollars to pay our dorm fees, but any sort of financial advice would have been appreciated. And if they were really so worried about us, why did not one of them ask what they could do to help? They were so concerned about us potentially sinning (which we had been doing for quite a while, let's be honest here.) that they couldn't see that we needed real world solutions to our problems.

No magical sky daddy was going to suddenly filler our coffers with riches. Or offer us both full ride scholarships. We had to make things work ourselves. And it was tough! There were times that I didn't know how we were going to make it from month to month. But we did, not by praying, but by having loving, supportive people around us. People who offered a real, tangible hand when we were struggling the most.

In the end, we moved in together. His parents came around, but certain parts of the family want nothing to do with me still to this day. And I think the most telling part of this is that John and I's relationship did not suffer from us moving in together. Rather, it grew stronger and made us much more aware of how we needed to function as a couple. We've not made a mythical being the focus of our marriage. Our focus is on each other and on the people we love. And that, my friends, is just fine with us.

An Open Letter to my Husband (Or, how I try to out cheese my hubs)

Dear Schnooky.
No. Wait. Too much.
Let's go with this:
Dear John,
(Much better!)
     Nearly 10 years ago, on a warm summer morning, we met at band camp. You were the ex-boyfriend of my now-ex-best friend's sister. If I am to be honest, you looked like an underfed creature with no sense of style whatsoever.
     My ex-friend introduced us. I'd like to say that it was love at first site. It wasn't. At least, I don't think it was? I don't remember. I remember being infatuated with you. I remember asking you out and then being terrified that you'd hate me forever. I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship. I was waaaayyyyy too immature.
     We eventually became best friends. I'd call you all the time. I remember stealing your wallet so I could find your number. You never had a peaceful evening again after that. I'm sure I annoyed your parents with how frequently I called.

     I remember all the fun times we had in band together. My friend and I would poke pencils and drumsticks through your curls. You'd come over to my house to hang out. We'd watch stupid flash videos on Albino Black Sheep. (Kamikaze Watermelon!) I think you just came over because we had faster internet than you.
     I remember you having a crush on someone else. I remember trying to get you to talk to her. Nothing ever came of it. Spoiler alert.
     You graduated. You were heading off to college. I was terrified that we wouldn't be friends anymore. That you would just go away and forget me. You assured me that I was being silly. You would be there for me no matter what.
     When fall rolled around, you started your freshman year at Akron. I was a sophomore in high school. We talked almost every night. For hours. You would tell me about your classes. I would tell you about the stupid petty high school drama. We both told each other how much we missed hanging out. This is when I started falling hard for you. You, still, were oblivious.
     I would come up and visit. We'd spend the day, wandering around campus. We'd ALWAYS get Taco Bell. I'm pretty sure your roommate suspected something.

      You came over for New Year's, along with some friends. We sat on the loveseat together. You were leaning against me. My arm gradually settled around you. In that inevitable post-game analysis, my friend told me she was certain you were going to kiss me.
     Later in January, I was supposed to go to homecoming with a friend. Petty drama prevented me from doing so. You happened to be home that weekend. So, you came with me, my friend, and my parents to Olive Garden. We all dressed up in our best. You looked so handsome. I remember offering you a bite from my plate. You ate it right off the same fork that I had been using.
     It became increasingly clear that you felt something. I don't think you were sure what, though. Some other evening in early February, you came over again. One of my friends was also there. We carried out my mattress so we could lay on it together and watch "Phantom of the Opera." We insisted it was just so we could be comfy. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, you laid your hand over mine. For half an hour. Then you had to leave. We didn't finish the movie.
     I don't think I can adequately describe the feelings that shot through me. Disbelief. Shock. Happiness. Fear. Confusion. After that night, something changed, but I didn't want to say a word. I didn't want to lose what we had. So I stayed silent.
     February 12th, 2006. It was a Sunday. It was the band concert. You came home just to see it. Your ex-girlfriend and my ex-friend told you that you were oblivious. You said you didn't understand.
     We went back to my house and attempted to watch "Phantom of the Opera" again. You laid your hand on mine again. Then our fingers intertwined. I remember Alex came bounding in and jumped on the bed. You didn't let go of me. We merely moved our hands out of the way.
      We took you back to Akron that night. We cuddled in the back seat the whole way. We left you off at your dorm. I hugged you goodbye.
     When I got home, I immediately got online. We would chat on AIM or Yahoo Messenger all the time. You were on. We started the conversation casually. As if everything hadn't changed between us. It wasn't long before I insisted we figure out exactly what we had between us. You, chicken that you were, refused to say anything first. So, I did.
      "A: Ok.
       A: I like you."
      My heart stopped beating. Time slowed down. Everything mattered on your reply.
      "J: And I like you, too."
     YES!!!!
      "J: But that's where I get confused."
     SON OF A-!
     Nothing got resolved that night. Your parents were against it. You didn't want to potentially lose me as a friend. You didn't think that a Christian should date someone who wasn't baptized. All we knew was that we liked each other.
     The following Saturday, I came up to Akron to see you. We spent the entire time, sitting side by side, arms wrapped around each other.
     The following day, the 19th, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know what we were to each other. So, I asked you. You didn't ask. You didn't debate. You simply stated, "I think we're dating."

      And, so we went. Through every hurdle, every heartache, every smile, every memory. We were together.
     When I graduated high school, I followed you to Akron.
     February 17th, 2009. You proposed. I was recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Thanks for that.
     We married three years ago, today. It was far from my perfect dream wedding. But I had you and it was more than enough.

     Last February, we bought a house. We made it our home.
     Now, we live here, surrounded with our fur kids. We're raising Alex. We have an overabundance of joy and happiness. We have friends. We have family. And most importantly, we have each other.
     I can honestly say that after knowing you for 10 years, loving you for 8, and being your wife for 3, you are still the most amazing, wonderful, caring person I have ever had the fortune of meeting. I still get the tingle in my whole being every time you kiss me. The smile that lights upon my face when you get home is genuine pleasure at seeing you. Every moment with you has been special.
     I love the laughter that we share. No matter how bad our day might be, we never stop trying to make each other smile. Or facepalm. And that is so special to me.

     I'm so glad that the universe drew us together. On that warm June morning.
     I love you, John. And that will never change.

Love,

Ash