The Key to a Happy Marriage (Or, why I think even married couples should still be getting laid.)

CN, lots of sex talk.
Probably don't want your boss to read over your shoulder.

Okay, people, some real talk here. If you are in a long term relationship or marriage, sex shouldn't just be stopping the second the honeymoon is over.
I HATE seeing the stereotype portrayed that in a hetero marriage, the woman clams up and refuses to "give" the guy sex anymore because she "doesn't have to. She already has what she wants." And in turn, he refers to his wife in all manner of rude names and descriptions to the world. "The ol' ball n' chain," "the witch at home," etc.
1.) Women are just as capable of having sex drives equal to or even surpassing their partner. And men aren't all beer guzzling sex machines. It's almost like everyone is capable of being different. *gasp*
2.) If sex was originally part of your relationship and it suddenly stops, *something is wrong.* And the best way to figure out why, is to talk to your partner.
3.) Sex drives can fluctuate over time. The important thing is to *clearly communicate* how you are feeling to your partner and decide where to go from there.
4.) Mental illness also can affect sex drives, as can medication. Again, you need to CLEARLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ON HOW YOU FEEL!
5.) Maybe your partner's sex drive is being effected and they don't seem to notice. TALK TO THEM! Maybe there is a medical condition that they need checked out. Or maybe they're stressed about something. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE!!!
HOWEVER, when you talk to them, DO NOT DO SO IN AN ACCUSATORY MANNER!!!
Try and find solutions that work for your particular dynamic.
6.) Neither partner should be withholding sex as a means of punishment or to try and change a behavior. This is stupid.
7.) Neither partner is owed sex, either. If you or your partner aren't in the mood, let the issue go. CONSENT IS SEXY, BABY!
8.) Don't be embarrassed to talk about your sexual desires and fantasies with your partner. It's far past time that our stupidly Puritanical society gets over the enforced shame of sex. Get it on, people. If you can't work up the courage to talk face to face, try something like Mojo Upgrade. You may discover some delightfully fun new things to try.
Also, I'd like to add that masturbation is a COMPLETELY NORMAL AND HEALTHY PART OF LIFE. It's not cheating. It doesn't mean that your partner is no longer attracted to you. Sometimes, one just has a particular itch that needs some lotion, lube, tissue, and/or buzzy goodness.
9.) Apply the communication advice to ALL AREAS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! A lot of problems in a relationship can be solved if you and your partner just sit down and talk.
10.) A long term relationship isn't some magical fairytale where everything is always perfect. There are going to be terrible, horribly bad times. You will fight and argue. You'll make mistakes. But you have to work as a team to get through it.
Acknowledge each other's strengths and weaknesses and figure out how to balance each other out.

Now, go have fun, you kids! Lock the doors, rip each other's clothes off, and do things that will probably cause you to be sore in the morning, but keeps a big grin plastered on your face for the next week.

And you thought the wedding anniversary post was bad...

Today marks 9 years since I decided to date the jerk I'm now married to. And he was so pushy about it! No "wanna go out with me?" or "would you like to be my girlfriend?" Psssh. He was just all like, "We're dating now." He's lucky that I was so besotted with him that I just went along with it.

I guess 9 years is a decently long time to be together. We've definitely moved past any sense of awkwardness between us. Those first couple years of always trying to look our best for one another and hiding the fact that our bodies ever produced anything besides the most pleasant of smells have given way to holding back one another's hair while tossing our cookies and braving the almost tangible stench the other has corrupted the bathroom with because they can't reach the new roll of toilet paper they desperately need.

Dress pants and nice shirts have given way to lounge pants and old lady nightgowns. Date nights happen at home now rather than out on the town. And the time of trying to hide every flaw has settled into a cozy comfort of each other as a whole, not perfect person.

We've both changed a lot. We've know each other for over a decade. It was bound to happen, right? We've weathered many an emotional upheaval and have survived a complete 180 on world views with our relationship intact. We've gone through loss and new life. And through it all, we've had each other. We've been one another's constant companion, closest friend, and lover for 9 years now.

We've become almost completely different people than when we first came together. And that's okay. We're lucky in that we've changed together. We know what the other person has been and seen what they've become. Throughout all the changes, we've still managed to find ourselves in love with the other.

And some things haven't changed. We still try to make the other laugh at every possible opportunity. We still have long discussions on any topic that strikes our fancy. I'm still the creative half, and he my logical counterpart.

We've managed to build a strong relationship built on trust, love, and laughter.

I may not know what life is going to throw our way over the next 9 years, but I know that as long as we have each other, we'll get through it just fine.

Happy anniversary, John.

An Open Letter to my Husband (Or, how I try to out cheese my hubs)

Dear Schnooky.
No. Wait. Too much.
Let's go with this:
Dear John,
(Much better!)
     Nearly 10 years ago, on a warm summer morning, we met at band camp. You were the ex-boyfriend of my now-ex-best friend's sister. If I am to be honest, you looked like an underfed creature with no sense of style whatsoever.
     My ex-friend introduced us. I'd like to say that it was love at first site. It wasn't. At least, I don't think it was? I don't remember. I remember being infatuated with you. I remember asking you out and then being terrified that you'd hate me forever. I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship. I was waaaayyyyy too immature.
     We eventually became best friends. I'd call you all the time. I remember stealing your wallet so I could find your number. You never had a peaceful evening again after that. I'm sure I annoyed your parents with how frequently I called.

     I remember all the fun times we had in band together. My friend and I would poke pencils and drumsticks through your curls. You'd come over to my house to hang out. We'd watch stupid flash videos on Albino Black Sheep. (Kamikaze Watermelon!) I think you just came over because we had faster internet than you.
     I remember you having a crush on someone else. I remember trying to get you to talk to her. Nothing ever came of it. Spoiler alert.
     You graduated. You were heading off to college. I was terrified that we wouldn't be friends anymore. That you would just go away and forget me. You assured me that I was being silly. You would be there for me no matter what.
     When fall rolled around, you started your freshman year at Akron. I was a sophomore in high school. We talked almost every night. For hours. You would tell me about your classes. I would tell you about the stupid petty high school drama. We both told each other how much we missed hanging out. This is when I started falling hard for you. You, still, were oblivious.
     I would come up and visit. We'd spend the day, wandering around campus. We'd ALWAYS get Taco Bell. I'm pretty sure your roommate suspected something.

      You came over for New Year's, along with some friends. We sat on the loveseat together. You were leaning against me. My arm gradually settled around you. In that inevitable post-game analysis, my friend told me she was certain you were going to kiss me.
     Later in January, I was supposed to go to homecoming with a friend. Petty drama prevented me from doing so. You happened to be home that weekend. So, you came with me, my friend, and my parents to Olive Garden. We all dressed up in our best. You looked so handsome. I remember offering you a bite from my plate. You ate it right off the same fork that I had been using.
     It became increasingly clear that you felt something. I don't think you were sure what, though. Some other evening in early February, you came over again. One of my friends was also there. We carried out my mattress so we could lay on it together and watch "Phantom of the Opera." We insisted it was just so we could be comfy. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, you laid your hand over mine. For half an hour. Then you had to leave. We didn't finish the movie.
     I don't think I can adequately describe the feelings that shot through me. Disbelief. Shock. Happiness. Fear. Confusion. After that night, something changed, but I didn't want to say a word. I didn't want to lose what we had. So I stayed silent.
     February 12th, 2006. It was a Sunday. It was the band concert. You came home just to see it. Your ex-girlfriend and my ex-friend told you that you were oblivious. You said you didn't understand.
     We went back to my house and attempted to watch "Phantom of the Opera" again. You laid your hand on mine again. Then our fingers intertwined. I remember Alex came bounding in and jumped on the bed. You didn't let go of me. We merely moved our hands out of the way.
      We took you back to Akron that night. We cuddled in the back seat the whole way. We left you off at your dorm. I hugged you goodbye.
     When I got home, I immediately got online. We would chat on AIM or Yahoo Messenger all the time. You were on. We started the conversation casually. As if everything hadn't changed between us. It wasn't long before I insisted we figure out exactly what we had between us. You, chicken that you were, refused to say anything first. So, I did.
      "A: Ok.
       A: I like you."
      My heart stopped beating. Time slowed down. Everything mattered on your reply.
      "J: And I like you, too."
     YES!!!!
      "J: But that's where I get confused."
     SON OF A-!
     Nothing got resolved that night. Your parents were against it. You didn't want to potentially lose me as a friend. You didn't think that a Christian should date someone who wasn't baptized. All we knew was that we liked each other.
     The following Saturday, I came up to Akron to see you. We spent the entire time, sitting side by side, arms wrapped around each other.
     The following day, the 19th, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know what we were to each other. So, I asked you. You didn't ask. You didn't debate. You simply stated, "I think we're dating."

      And, so we went. Through every hurdle, every heartache, every smile, every memory. We were together.
     When I graduated high school, I followed you to Akron.
     February 17th, 2009. You proposed. I was recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Thanks for that.
     We married three years ago, today. It was far from my perfect dream wedding. But I had you and it was more than enough.

     Last February, we bought a house. We made it our home.
     Now, we live here, surrounded with our fur kids. We're raising Alex. We have an overabundance of joy and happiness. We have friends. We have family. And most importantly, we have each other.
     I can honestly say that after knowing you for 10 years, loving you for 8, and being your wife for 3, you are still the most amazing, wonderful, caring person I have ever had the fortune of meeting. I still get the tingle in my whole being every time you kiss me. The smile that lights upon my face when you get home is genuine pleasure at seeing you. Every moment with you has been special.
     I love the laughter that we share. No matter how bad our day might be, we never stop trying to make each other smile. Or facepalm. And that is so special to me.

     I'm so glad that the universe drew us together. On that warm June morning.
     I love you, John. And that will never change.

Love,

Ash