And you thought the wedding anniversary post was bad...

Today marks 9 years since I decided to date the jerk I'm now married to. And he was so pushy about it! No "wanna go out with me?" or "would you like to be my girlfriend?" Psssh. He was just all like, "We're dating now." He's lucky that I was so besotted with him that I just went along with it.

I guess 9 years is a decently long time to be together. We've definitely moved past any sense of awkwardness between us. Those first couple years of always trying to look our best for one another and hiding the fact that our bodies ever produced anything besides the most pleasant of smells have given way to holding back one another's hair while tossing our cookies and braving the almost tangible stench the other has corrupted the bathroom with because they can't reach the new roll of toilet paper they desperately need.

Dress pants and nice shirts have given way to lounge pants and old lady nightgowns. Date nights happen at home now rather than out on the town. And the time of trying to hide every flaw has settled into a cozy comfort of each other as a whole, not perfect person.

We've both changed a lot. We've know each other for over a decade. It was bound to happen, right? We've weathered many an emotional upheaval and have survived a complete 180 on world views with our relationship intact. We've gone through loss and new life. And through it all, we've had each other. We've been one another's constant companion, closest friend, and lover for 9 years now.

We've become almost completely different people than when we first came together. And that's okay. We're lucky in that we've changed together. We know what the other person has been and seen what they've become. Throughout all the changes, we've still managed to find ourselves in love with the other.

And some things haven't changed. We still try to make the other laugh at every possible opportunity. We still have long discussions on any topic that strikes our fancy. I'm still the creative half, and he my logical counterpart.

We've managed to build a strong relationship built on trust, love, and laughter.

I may not know what life is going to throw our way over the next 9 years, but I know that as long as we have each other, we'll get through it just fine.

Happy anniversary, John.

Chapel Hill, North Carolina

In light of the Chapel Hill shootings, I feel like this needs to be said. There is NO ROOM in the atheist and secular humanist communities for violent, hateful people. We are not against people, we stand against dogma. We stand against violence committed by ANYONE, regardless of beliefs or lack thereof. 

Open and honest discussion should be our way. And our goals are not the forceful, violent eradication of religious persons, but rather a society that concerns itself more with the world around them rather than mythological figures and a possible afterlife. And that, my friends, is accomplished not with violence, but through learning.

Please consider making a donation to Foundation Beyond Belief's drive for SAMS (Syrian American Medical Society). 

From the page: "On February 10, three Muslim college students were tragically killed in Chapel Hill, North Carolina by a man who identifies as an atheist. Atheists and humanists around the world are condemning the horrific act that took the lives of Deah Shaddy Barakat (23), his wife Yusor Mohammad (21), and her sister Razan Mohammad Abu-Salha (19).

Deah Barakat was pursuing his doctorate in dentistry at UNC Chapel Hill and planned to travel to Syrian refugee camps this summer to perform emergency dentistry for refugee children through the Syrian American Medical Society Foundation (SAMS). At the time of his death, he was raising funds for SAMS to equip the teams in the refugee camps.

The atheist and humanist community is mounting a drive for SAMS in support of Deah's vision. All donated funds will go directly to the Syrian American Medical Society Foundation to honor the lives and celebrate the memory of Deah, Yusor, and Razan. Please give generously."

Ahh, memories.

I was looking through some stuff today and stumbled across a letter that John's aunt sent to us back in January of 2010. We had been looking at options for apartments because neither one of us could afford to stay in the dorms anymore. At this point, we had been engaged for almost a year and a couple for almost 4. We were practically living together already, as we spent every night together in one or the other's dorms. When we got this letter, John and I had already signed the lease and would be moving into the apartment in 3 days. We had no way of backing out of the lease, seeing as we were practically broke.

"Dear John,

   It's hard to believe you're getting ready to graduate from college soon. I remember when you would come to our house and play with J's play computer. You loved it. Now you are in that field as a career.

   As a concerned aunt, I felt led to write you concerning your decision to cohabitate [sic] with Ashton [sic] prior to your marriage. The temporary convenience and economic benefits of this do not outway [sic] the long term rewards of waiting until after marriage. God's plan is perfect and He wants the two of you first to be equally yoked spiritually meaning a relationship with Jesus for the both of you. Both of you need to invite Him into your hearts and continue to live for him daily. He wants the two of you to learn and grow in many other areas of your life right now. Communication, communication, communication is a major element in your relationship. It's a time for individual maturity to be developed. Both of you need to prepare yourselves for the life long commitment. By being more adult in ordinary daily things, your marrigge [sic] will be stronger. At this point in time your priority is to learn and prepare for your future.

   Life and marriage can be difficult at times. And sometimes life isn't fair as you are aware. Living life is a learning process and a long one too. By keeping God as your anchor, you will not be led astray. His ways and plans are perfect for you. He loves you that much to keep you safe and secure in His arms. All your decisions in light of His guidance and protection will be right. He cares about you that much. Choose Him and you can't go wrong.

   As a parent too, my heart goes out to your mother and father. They are very concerned too about this decision. They do not feel it is a wise one. They have raised you to live a God honoring life. And this does not agree with His commands and statuetes [sic]. The scriptures say especially in Proverbs Chapters 1 thru 10 about seeking wisdom. Wisdom promises a long, happy life.

This is what we pray for you and Ashton [sic]. That you two will seek God first and His rightiousness [sic] and all these things shall be added to you. Matt 6:33* And all these things include finances etc. God's faithful to His Word. Seek God first before you make your decisions.

   In conclusion, I want you to know that this is written with love and concern for you. U.(ncle) R and I care about you. And we want what is best for you.

God Bless You.

We love you,

Aunt C"

* “But seek first God’s Kingdom, and his righteousness; and all these things will be given to you as well.

You want to know something? My family had no problems with us moving in together. They thought it was a great idea. Actually, my grandfather was the one who suggested it first and offered to pay our rent. They made sure we had food on our table and if we were a little short, my grandma would slip us some money. They wanted to take care of us and make sure we were alright.

No one on John's side of the family offered us any advice or help other than "just pray about it!" I wasn't asking them to donate thousands of dollars to pay our dorm fees, but any sort of financial advice would have been appreciated. And if they were really so worried about us, why did not one of them ask what they could do to help? They were so concerned about us potentially sinning (which we had been doing for quite a while, let's be honest here.) that they couldn't see that we needed real world solutions to our problems.

No magical sky daddy was going to suddenly filler our coffers with riches. Or offer us both full ride scholarships. We had to make things work ourselves. And it was tough! There were times that I didn't know how we were going to make it from month to month. But we did, not by praying, but by having loving, supportive people around us. People who offered a real, tangible hand when we were struggling the most.

In the end, we moved in together. His parents came around, but certain parts of the family want nothing to do with me still to this day. And I think the most telling part of this is that John and I's relationship did not suffer from us moving in together. Rather, it grew stronger and made us much more aware of how we needed to function as a couple. We've not made a mythical being the focus of our marriage. Our focus is on each other and on the people we love. And that, my friends, is just fine with us.

An Open Letter to my Husband (Or, how I try to out cheese my hubs)

Dear Schnooky.
No. Wait. Too much.
Let's go with this:
Dear John,
(Much better!)
     Nearly 10 years ago, on a warm summer morning, we met at band camp. You were the ex-boyfriend of my now-ex-best friend's sister. If I am to be honest, you looked like an underfed creature with no sense of style whatsoever.
     My ex-friend introduced us. I'd like to say that it was love at first site. It wasn't. At least, I don't think it was? I don't remember. I remember being infatuated with you. I remember asking you out and then being terrified that you'd hate me forever. I definitely wasn't ready for a relationship. I was waaaayyyyy too immature.
     We eventually became best friends. I'd call you all the time. I remember stealing your wallet so I could find your number. You never had a peaceful evening again after that. I'm sure I annoyed your parents with how frequently I called.

     I remember all the fun times we had in band together. My friend and I would poke pencils and drumsticks through your curls. You'd come over to my house to hang out. We'd watch stupid flash videos on Albino Black Sheep. (Kamikaze Watermelon!) I think you just came over because we had faster internet than you.
     I remember you having a crush on someone else. I remember trying to get you to talk to her. Nothing ever came of it. Spoiler alert.
     You graduated. You were heading off to college. I was terrified that we wouldn't be friends anymore. That you would just go away and forget me. You assured me that I was being silly. You would be there for me no matter what.
     When fall rolled around, you started your freshman year at Akron. I was a sophomore in high school. We talked almost every night. For hours. You would tell me about your classes. I would tell you about the stupid petty high school drama. We both told each other how much we missed hanging out. This is when I started falling hard for you. You, still, were oblivious.
     I would come up and visit. We'd spend the day, wandering around campus. We'd ALWAYS get Taco Bell. I'm pretty sure your roommate suspected something.

      You came over for New Year's, along with some friends. We sat on the loveseat together. You were leaning against me. My arm gradually settled around you. In that inevitable post-game analysis, my friend told me she was certain you were going to kiss me.
     Later in January, I was supposed to go to homecoming with a friend. Petty drama prevented me from doing so. You happened to be home that weekend. So, you came with me, my friend, and my parents to Olive Garden. We all dressed up in our best. You looked so handsome. I remember offering you a bite from my plate. You ate it right off the same fork that I had been using.
     It became increasingly clear that you felt something. I don't think you were sure what, though. Some other evening in early February, you came over again. One of my friends was also there. We carried out my mattress so we could lay on it together and watch "Phantom of the Opera." We insisted it was just so we could be comfy. Somewhere in the middle of the movie, you laid your hand over mine. For half an hour. Then you had to leave. We didn't finish the movie.
     I don't think I can adequately describe the feelings that shot through me. Disbelief. Shock. Happiness. Fear. Confusion. After that night, something changed, but I didn't want to say a word. I didn't want to lose what we had. So I stayed silent.
     February 12th, 2006. It was a Sunday. It was the band concert. You came home just to see it. Your ex-girlfriend and my ex-friend told you that you were oblivious. You said you didn't understand.
     We went back to my house and attempted to watch "Phantom of the Opera" again. You laid your hand on mine again. Then our fingers intertwined. I remember Alex came bounding in and jumped on the bed. You didn't let go of me. We merely moved our hands out of the way.
      We took you back to Akron that night. We cuddled in the back seat the whole way. We left you off at your dorm. I hugged you goodbye.
     When I got home, I immediately got online. We would chat on AIM or Yahoo Messenger all the time. You were on. We started the conversation casually. As if everything hadn't changed between us. It wasn't long before I insisted we figure out exactly what we had between us. You, chicken that you were, refused to say anything first. So, I did.
      "A: Ok.
       A: I like you."
      My heart stopped beating. Time slowed down. Everything mattered on your reply.
      "J: And I like you, too."
     YES!!!!
      "J: But that's where I get confused."
     SON OF A-!
     Nothing got resolved that night. Your parents were against it. You didn't want to potentially lose me as a friend. You didn't think that a Christian should date someone who wasn't baptized. All we knew was that we liked each other.
     The following Saturday, I came up to Akron to see you. We spent the entire time, sitting side by side, arms wrapped around each other.
     The following day, the 19th, I couldn't take it anymore. I needed to know what we were to each other. So, I asked you. You didn't ask. You didn't debate. You simply stated, "I think we're dating."

      And, so we went. Through every hurdle, every heartache, every smile, every memory. We were together.
     When I graduated high school, I followed you to Akron.
     February 17th, 2009. You proposed. I was recovering from a bout of food poisoning. Thanks for that.
     We married three years ago, today. It was far from my perfect dream wedding. But I had you and it was more than enough.

     Last February, we bought a house. We made it our home.
     Now, we live here, surrounded with our fur kids. We're raising Alex. We have an overabundance of joy and happiness. We have friends. We have family. And most importantly, we have each other.
     I can honestly say that after knowing you for 10 years, loving you for 8, and being your wife for 3, you are still the most amazing, wonderful, caring person I have ever had the fortune of meeting. I still get the tingle in my whole being every time you kiss me. The smile that lights upon my face when you get home is genuine pleasure at seeing you. Every moment with you has been special.
     I love the laughter that we share. No matter how bad our day might be, we never stop trying to make each other smile. Or facepalm. And that is so special to me.

     I'm so glad that the universe drew us together. On that warm June morning.
     I love you, John. And that will never change.

Love,

Ash

 

An Open Letter to Verizon

Verizon,

I am disappointed in the new commercial your company is airing. It insinuates that nerdy people have trouble finding relationships. This is simply not true. Nerdy people, along with anyone else, can form meaningful relationships, if they so choose.
Also, what if a person doesn’t want a relationship? People choose not to tether themselves to another individual all the time.

Your commercial is also misogynistic. Saying that a woman would not appreciate, and in fact, may get angry over the fact that you are presenting her a gift that you got a deal on is just disgusting. You are portraying women as vapid, shallow creatures who judge their partners by how much money is spent on them.

I’m hugely disappointed in you, Verizon. I hope you will discontinue airing this commercial in favor of promoting a more all-encompassing view.

Sincerely,
A Non-vapid and -shallow Nerdy Woman in a Meaningful Relationship with a Fellow Nerd

Reddit made me! (Or, the history of my faith and deconversion)

Today on reddit, someone posted a discussion in r/AskReddit. It was titled, "Why are or aren't you religious?" A simple enough question.

I realized that I've never really sat down and wrote out why I left christianity so long ago. So, I did. It's long and a bit of a read, but it all needed to be said. This is the exact comment I left on reddit:

To understand why I am not religious, I have to share my history with religion.

My family was generally christian, though we never went to church. I tried twice to be baptized: once to become a Lutheran and once to become a Catholic. My dad chose to use those times to have petty fights with my mother over child support and custody of my middle sister and I.
I stopped going to church entirely until I met my best friend in high school. I still believed in god, though I was always terrified of him. My youngest sister was quite sick when she was little. One of her frequent hospital trips almost resulted in her death. I was always terrified that god would kill her as revenge for some slight sin I was unaware of. My friend thought that was foolish, and asked if I'd like to start attending his Foursquare Pentecostal church and youth group.
At first, it was like a breath of life for my faith. At first, it was all love, sunshine, and roses. And rock music in church? Hell, yes.

As time went by, best friend became boyfriend. He went off to college and I still had two and a half years of high school in front of me. I would go to church with him and his parents whenever he was home from school. During summer breaks, we would both play on the worship team band on Sunday mornings. I got really in to it. I also was dealing with a lot of mental issues. I had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. This, coupled with the fact that every so often our pastor would decide to go off on one of his end of the world rants, caused me to become terrified of god again. I would lie awake for hours at night, in utter despair because my youngest sister would never have a chance at a full and happy life. The apocalypse was due at any time. Hell, I probably wouldn't even have a chance to marry my boyfriend! I started praying and praying that god would hold off on the apocalypse until after we were all gone. Then, I started becoming terrified that god would kill my family members and loved ones to spite me. I started praying for every family member and loved one by individual name before I fell asleep at night, no small task for someone with a huge family. It got to the point that I would be scared to get up in the mornings, fearful that some terrible disaster would have befallen my family. As I learned how to mostly manage my anxiety, I cared less and less about my religion. I became, as the saying is, "dormant in the faith." I would attend church with my boyfriend because it as a chance to spend a few hours with him, not out of any religious feeling.
As for he and I, we had had our ups and downs during the time when we were long distance. He attended a church right off the campus and started hanging out with a girl that he emotionally cheated on me with. He had flirted with the idea of breaking up with me just to pursue this girl. But once I had graduated high school, I myself headed for college. And yes, I chose to attend the same college as him. Our relationship improved and I even started feeling semi-religious again. We would attend the church that he had found at college on occasion. As the semesters went on, though, we eventually stopped. We didn't have time for god with all of our courses taking up our time. We would still go to church when we went home, he because his family insisted. I, because, well, I didn't like not being with him all the time.

In February of 2009, we got engaged. At the end of the fall semester after that, neither one of us could afford to stay in the dorms anymore, so we decided to move into an apartment together. His parents' reaction was terrible. They were so angry. The rest of his family wasn't happy, either. One of his aunts sent us a letter, telling us we were "working against god" with our blatant sin. I didn't see anyone offering to pay our dorm fees, so we ignored it and moved in together. We decided to tell our pastor, hoping to appease his parents. When we did, however, he literally just turned his back to us and walked away. I was done with church permanently at that point.
We had talked about getting married in his parent's church, but after that fiasco, we decided against it. We were going to do this our way. During our engagement, I made the mistake of posting Cyanide and Happiness' annual Zombie Jesus Day comic on my own facebook wall. My fiance's family retaliated horribly. The vast majority of them stopped speaking to me. Something that is still occurring, nearly 3 years later. During this time, I also stopped really believing in god. I don't have a definite date that I stopped. It just sort of gradually happened. I didn't really talk about how I felt to my fiance. It didn't seem important enough.

During the final bits of wedding planning, my soon-to-be husband came straight out and told me that he was now an atheist. I didn't know what that word was, so I started researching. It made me take a hard look at what religion had caused in my life: fear, anxiety, drama. I realized that I was one, too. I just didn't have the name for it. From that point on, for better or worse, we were done with god and the church. We ended up having a secular wedding ceremony, performed by a friend. Yes, his family was livid. We didn't care. We had each other and that's all that mattered. We didn't need religion interfering in our lives, making us fearful. We could be just as happy without it. And, truth be told, my anxiety became a hell of a lot more manageable without having to constantly worry about going to hell.

Through all of this, my family was just marvelous. They did not care what our religious beliefs were. As long as we were happy, and did good in the world, we were in the clear. It was such a stark contrast to how my husband's family treated us.

It's been almost three years now since we got married. I kind of consider that our official divorce from religion. In that time, my husband and I have become better people. We try and do as much good as we can in the world, not only because it's the right thing to do, but because I personally feel like I need to make amends for what harm I may have caused with my religion. We're also out to prove that we, as atheists, are not evil people. We're just people. There are good ones, bad ones, and everything in between. We cherish this single life we have. This brief moment on this rock, hurtling through space. I make it a point to love as many people as I can, and show them that. Yes, I have my flaws. I am not perfect. I am a human. And that is all I need to be.

Loss

I just lost someone. Don't apologize to me. Don't offer me your prayers. Don't tell me she's in a better place. Or she's in heaven. She's not. She's gone. The body and biological circuitry and consciousness that was her has shut down. All that's left is a shell. She's not in some mythical eternal place with a magical deity. She's not been reunited with all of her loved ones to live for the rest of time. She existed for 88 years on this Earth. Now, she's not here.

Her body will break down. The earth will reclaim her. The atoms that are a part of her body will be recycled. She'll become the air, the water, and the flowers. She'll bear witness to millions upon millions of lives and events that are to come, yet she'll know none of it.

We, her loved ones, will sit together and reminisce. We'll smile at the happy memories, and cry remembering the painful ones. We will look to each other and reaffirm that we're family. That we still love each other.

So don't tell me she's in some heaven. Don't pity me. Save your sadness for others.

Instead, go tell your significant other that you love them. Make love, passionately. Kiss like you'll never stop. Spend the night discovering each other again. See how you've changed. See how you've stayed the same. Fall in love all over again.

Hug your child. Hold them close. Play with them. Tell them about your adventures when you were their age. Tell them how proud you are of them. Worry about every decision they make, but let them make it. Encourage them when they fail. Praise them when they succeed. Never let them go a day without you telling them that you love them.

Call your friend. Just chat. Catch up. Go out. Have fun. Smile. Laugh until it hurts. Cry at sad movies. Shop for silly things. Stay in and eat ice cream. Tell your friend how much you appreciate them.

Visit your grandparents. Sit down. Listen. Ask them to tell you their life story.  Laugh with them. Cry with them.  Enjoy the memories. Hug them close and tell them you love them.

See your parents. Thank them for everything they've done for you. Share your own parenting mishaps. Acknowledge that they were right, once in a while. Tell them you appreciate their wisdom. Hug your mom. Hug your dad. Tell them you love them.

This is all we got, folks. This one life. Make it count. Enjoy every day, no matter how it turns out.

When they are bursting with activity. When you stay in your pj's all day. When you have a crappy day at work. When you have an absolutely amazing day. When you are sick. When you are well. When you love. When you fight. When you make up. Whatever day it is, it's another day in your life. Your unique life. Cherish it, even when it's hard.

Goodbye, Great Grandma. And thanks for all the cards.